The hidden rules of Kansas City

I've had a few offers of sponsorship, but I determined that they wouldn't quite cover my costs, so I'm holding out for something larger. $200,000 should do it.

In the mean time, here are a few hidden rules of Kansas City, as I see it:

1. Early to bed, early to rise. This rule doesn't take too long to learn, not when our most famous shopping district closes at 7 p.m. Seriously, what's up with that? Visitors to our city, especially those from other countries, need to be aware that staying up late is just not the norm here. Americans in general go to bed earlier, but midwesterners especially don't last long after the sunset. So, don't schedule late night business dinners or entertainment, and hit the sack early enough to make that sunrise tee time.

2. Kansas City is almost smack dab in the middle of the country, and so is our style of dress. The styles here tend toward the conservative, though not as stuffy or preppy as the east coast. And though some pretend to be trendy, the truth is that it takes a good while for new fashions to reach us, and by the time they do, they're somewhat watered down.

3. Drive friendly. Sure, we have our share of road rage, but more often than not Kansas City dwellers temper this rage, perhaps with the hopes that politeness on the road will cover a multitude of other sins. And we are definitely big believers in sin here.

4. It's ok to be vegetarian here. You'll be tolerated. Just don't flaunt it. The cuisine for which Kansas City is best known is its bar-b-que, so many natives take it as a personal affront when someone refuses to eat meant. They're just usually too polite to say so. If you find yourself at a meeting or event where there are no vegetarian options (and that is true for many restaurants here), you'll need a creative backup plan. Maybe order a side salad and during dinner steal away to the restroom to inhale a protein bar.

5. Don't get involved in the border war. You see, there's this thick red line that runs through the heart of Kansas City called State Line. Visitors don't even see it, but it's glaringly obvious to anyone who's lived here more than a month. There's a lot of good natured bantering between friends, family, and colleagues who live on opposing sides of The Line, but there are also some deeply held hostilities. The danger for you, visitor, is that it's not always clear which is surfacing in a given conversation, and even if you're sure it's more bantering than hostility, it can flip at the blink of an eye. So your safest bet is to just side step it. Don't join in, don't get between them, don't try to change the topic. In fact, now would be a good time to sneak away for that protein bar.

If anyone can think of others to share, we'd love to hear them.