Is name-calling necessary?

Last weekend, a friend of mine celebrated his birthday at a local eating establishment. I thought Aliyah and I would just stop by for a short while since none of her friends would be there. Little did I know…

We found our party sitting on the outdoor patio that faces a large, open, fenced area built as a concert venue. It took Aliyah all of 2.5 minutes to find three other kids close to her size, and then only 1.6 minutes to establish a close enough friendship with them that allowed them to run around and play together for the next 3 hours. Anyone watching would have thought them life-long friends.

Eventually, one of the other children’s mother came over to introduce herself and her son to me. Of course, the first information we exchanged was our names. “I’m Elizabeth,” she said, “and this is Xavier.” This boy’s name was obviously new information to Aliyah, and when asked whether he knew her name, Xavier looked confused.

Initially I laughed at this. They had been playing together like old friends for 3 hours and didn’t even know each other’s names? Ah, those silly children.

Later, it occurred to me that this is regular behavior for Aliyah. For weeks now she’s been playing with a few children at Ultimate Frisbee, and she still refers to them as her “Frisbee friends,” because she doesn’t know any of their names. It’s not that my child is strange; another mom told me that her daughter referred to Aliyah as “that girl I was playing with at Frisbee,” and has no idea what her name is.

Being the responsible parent I am, my first thought was that this is a skill I need to teach Aliyah. Introduce yourself in the beginning. Learn names. Remember names. Names are important.

But then I took a step back and considered further. Who really has something to learn here? Aliyah forms fun, satisfying friendships quickly and easily. She and her friends skip over all those initial pleasantries which adults find necessary. Not only do they not exchange names, but they also don’t share which schools they attend, family of origin data, outside hobbies and activities, what kind of car their parents drive, where they live, or what kind of music they listen to. And the assumptions they make! You’re my size, you’re here, you obviously want to play with me, and you’re going to be the tiger first while I’m the princess who is lost in the woods.

Yet we saavy adults, who know the correct stages of friendship and have mastered small talk can spend weeks or months forming a friendship in which we are comfortable enough to act silly or laugh without restraint.

But at least we know each other’s names, right? Seriously, what’s the point? And at what age was the natural ability to form bonds with one another trained out of us?