I Didn't Want to be a Mom

Motherhood was not part of the plan. Any of my friends from high school can vouch for that. I just didn’t have that motherly instinct, and nurturing is one of the last words anyone would use to describe me. Plus, I didn’t like children.

This is why one of the biggest surprises in my life was when I fell in love with my daughter.

By my mid-20s, thanks to outside influences, I at least opened up to the possibility of having a child. I never focused on it as a goal, but simply decided that if it happened I’d be ok with it. I was 28 when I conceived, and I must admit that my first thought was, “Huh. Well, I guess I’d better buy a book about this.”

This reaction may sound absurd or even offensive to some women. I have friends and family members who worked very hard to become pregnant, and some even who were devastated when nothing worked. My heart goes out to them. I know what it is like to have a great desire for life or a dream of what you would like to be and do only to be frustrated in every attempt. And it can not be easy to know that it comes easily or unplanned to those for whom it is not a great desire.

But there it is. I was pregnant, and although I wasn’t worried about making ends meet or how I would raise her, I still wasn’t sure what it all meant. I wasn’t at all sure I would have the ability to love a child, and that uncertainty was my greatest fear.

The first relief to that uncertainty was the first time I heard her heartbeat. To the doctor, it was a routine checkup, but when I heard that little fluttering for the fist time, rogue tears leapt out of my eyes and softened my heart. She continued to capture my love, this little life, as I watched her on the sonogram and then felt her increasing strength within. By the time she was born, I already knew her, and we snuggled up together as if we’d always known each other.

Eight years later, people still wouldn’t describe me as nurturing. I’m still not too fond of babies, unless of course they are related. My baby girl, though, has a fierce hold on my heart, and I watch her in amazement every day. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to protect her, teach her, and support her in discovering and pursuing her greatest dreams.

And I will do all that I can to help other moms, moms with life obstacles a thousand times greater than mine, do the same for their children.

More on that later.